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these are drafts written since 2007 that never made it to actual posts. i have certainly grown since writing these thoughts but felt that, in sharing them, i could also re-live these moments and see myself just how far i've come from the person i used to be. all are unedited and posted as they were first written.

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yeah, this city is endless and i'm walking alone
Friday, December 12, 2014

​I seem to often find myself upon a situation of morality and feel helpless to do anything about it. I can kick myself for not speaking up at times but struggle with the whole what good it would do? People are who they are and despite my attempts to lead by example, the world is full of people who are doing a bit of leading of their own.  Is my way right? Better? Maybe not.  Does my way feel right?  Yes. Is it more compassionate? Absolutely.  But does that ever seem to change anything? No.   I just get saddened at how most people are very different from me.  Why do they litter unnecessarily? What happened to mutual respect of our land? Why do they feel they are superior to other living creatures and choose to subject them to such unforgiving treatment ?  Why...why... why?   Why can't I change it?  Why can't they see how cruel they are being?  Why aren't they even fazed by their careless actions?   


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June Fourth
Thursday, December 11, 2014

​I am completely heartbroken.  I don't know who to talk to.  I really don't even want to talk about it.  It always surprises me at how easily the people who make you the most happy have the ability to completely break your heart.  In an instant everything crumbled.  How does that happen so fast?  I am so frustrated and so alone.


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just go and leave this all behind, because i swear, i don't care
Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Sometimes I hear a song that I fall madly in love with and then I find myself listening to the lyrics only to find that it seems completely out of line.  But then, I can't stop playing it over and over.  I begin to pick it apart and try to apply it in a way that isn't so obvious.  Sometimes the words are arranged in such a way that if someone were to know that I liked it, they might try to place the person who inspired the connection I've made to it.  But the thing is, sometimes I like a song merely for the sound of the music.  Other times, for the mood it sets me in even if the words can't be applied.  And then there's that instance I find that I like a song because it puts me in my place.  The struggle I have going on inside needs a voice of its own.  It's amazing how some songs have the ability to take that one great aspect of your personality and pit it against the lesser you.  It's one of the ways I keep myself in check.


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don't be afraid to be weak, don't be too proud to be strong
Tuesday, December 09, 2014

At first, it was that I needed some distraction to pass the time.  And then it turned into a need to keep chronological order of my thoughts.  Life became overwhelming and it became a place of mere expression.  And then I found that, in a way, words were art and I began to want to perfect it.  I found myself becoming obsessed with what and when I shared.  But then it just became natural.  Everything I had worked for was now second nature and I just began giving from the heart.  Somehow, I have connected with you, now knowing that all the trials it took to get here finally make sense.


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i didn't want to believe it then, but it all worked out in the end
Monday, December 08, 2014

I've decided that it's going to be okay. I don't need your validation.  I'm a great person and I have a lot to offer despite my short comings.  If you want me gone, I'm gone.  And later, if you decide you'd like to ring me up for a few, I'll gratefully answer because that's just who I am.  I'll let the bygones be, while taking what I get and making the most of it.  And when the time comes that you forget me again, I'll just remember to forget how it hurts.


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i should have known better, i shouldn't have wasted those days
Sunday, December 07, 2014

Funny the way I can feel one way about a certain group of people and although the actions parallel others, my opinion on the matter concerning them is completely different.  It's a very uncomfortable feeling realizing that when you put absolutely no effort into something and try to let someone else lead for a change, the ride goes nowhere.  I don't think that I'm asking much.  I just wish that if you didn't want me in your life you'd stop saying that we need to get together, which is always followed by your complete and utter silence, and actually put forth some effort to see me.


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December 16
Saturday, December 06, 2014

I see that your life goes on.  And everyone else is just left standing in the wake of our delusions.  It seems like you don't care either.  You got what you wanted.  You're still getting what you want. I wonder sometimes though, is your head right? Is it all you dreamed about?  I am so sick of thinking about it that I want to climb outside of myself and fall away.  I should take the blame just the same but my anger keeps me from owning up to my hand in your manipulations.  Is it really worth all the people we've hurt?  Is it worth it for me to expect that I'm truly forgiven?  I can't even forgive you. How could I possibly begin forgiving myself?  I can't believe the person I became around you. What does that really say about me?


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nothin' about you is typical, nothin' about you's predictible
Friday, December 05, 2014

Between him and I, I'm always making friends.  It's not something you can understand, nor would you really want to.  It can be anything and all things... whatever is making me happy at the moment tends to make the cut.   And I'm to the point now where I think that he's content with that.  I've noticed him finding a way to make friends too.


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Thursday, December 04, 2014

It's like everything is a calculated move and I'm sick of it.  Grow up, put up, do something other than ride the wave of someone else
s happiness and success.  We haven't heard one word out of you since this whole thing began and now that you see she's doing better and getting some positive attention, now you decide to tell your side of the story.  Get over yourself.

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Wednesday, December 03, 2014

It's the oddest thing.  The very people who know they can count on me to be forgetful, continually ask that I remind them of something.  And even more odd than that is that once I'm asked to give a reminder, ninety nine point nine percent of the time, I drive myself crazy not to forget to remind them of what they asked and in doing so, ultimately make myself the go-to girl for such things.  Which in turn, makes this whole realization one big contradiction.


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